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How Can you Sincerely Trust Someone Who Has Deceived You?

You have likely heard the saying “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me”. 

If someone has repeatedly deceived you, how can they be trusted? I’m not sure that they can. You may want to look at the conditions or the severity, based on your perspective, of the deceit. If it is in deceiving you out of material possession (money etc.) you can decide that they must need it more than you do or you don’t place value in it. But then why the deceit? Couldn’t they just ask for it?

If  it is in lying about where they go or what they do you can decide to trust their judgement and figure maybe they don’t tell you so you either don’t worry or don’t give them a lecture about it later. You decide to accept that. But what is the real reason for the dishonesty?  Why might they believe it is best or easier to lie or tell you otherwise rather than to simply be truthful? Are you okay with it if your worst imagined scenario was true?  Only you can decide that for yourself.

Your desire to “sincerely trust” is your choice, but you must allow the other to be as they are and leave their reasons to them. If you can honestly be alright with that, then there is no problem

Have others had this experience of having difficulty trusting someone again? What did you do about it?

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Marc July 30, 2010 at 10:38 am

I am old school when it comes to this because I am very apprehensive about people to begin with.
So if someone tries to be deceptive I automatically start thinking they are dishonest about other things and will just repeat the pattern over and over.

But, these days I am learning to forgive and forget… at the very least for my own sanity!!

Daniel August 4, 2010 at 12:11 am

For starters, I have trust issues. I will not easily give someone my trust so if I do then the more that I would take offense if that person lie or deceive me in any way. That’s a glaring red light in my book.

Gia August 4, 2010 at 12:50 am

True. I agree its really how you analyze and accept what others might say or do. Maybe they do have their reasons why they lie or what not, but then again its still my call if I am to believe and accept.

John Paul August 4, 2010 at 12:53 am

I think it all boils down to someone’s willingness to forgive the person who had deceived them and just forget about it, I reckon thats the only way for someone to sincerely trust that other person again. Just my 2 cents…

Jenna August 4, 2010 at 1:29 am

Its hard to trust someone again after a deceiption. I don’t know, its just feels something had been broken and it won’t be whole again no matter what I do or think. That’s just me, to each his own.

Haydee August 4, 2010 at 1:34 am

My answer would be no. No because its just isn’t the same anymore, I see your point though that its all in the way I process it in my mind. But, I know if ever I would forgive someone’s deceipt deep in my subconcious it would still be lurking.

karina September 6, 2010 at 12:21 pm

Sorry i have a long take on this one lol.

I think it depends on the nature of the relationship you have with the person and how much of yourself you give to them that can be hurt by a deception. Many of us keep casual relationships with people out of necessity (have to get along with coworkers, may not always trust them), or courtesy (in-laws, friends of friends). In these relationships you may be more in control of how much of yourself (secrets, feelings, trust) you give this person, based on your judgement of their character. If they seem the type that should not be trusted, you can choose to still maintain a courteous relationship with them but not deep enough where a deception will affect you. However this can be a grounds for which you decide not to form a closer relationship with this person. If you have already established a closer relationship with this person and a deception occurs, then i would look at the circumstances.

Sometimes in bad situations we do not act our best selves, for whatever reasons. This deception could be out of character, or due to something that the person feels is out of their control. In these instances you must decide if the deception was harmless enough where you can let it go, or a sign that your friend or whoever may be in a situation out of their control. (this can occur if lets say, your friend is in an abusive relationship and chooses to push you away because they may be blinded by “love”. I have seen this happen. Someone is deceived by a friend who would lie about not being available or about canceling times where they were to see each other. Come to find out this person was afraid their partner would become jealous of their time spent together.) In this situation, can you say this person is deceptive? or just that they are in a negative situation that is making them act uncharacteristic of themselves?

Then there are times when you are downright blind-sided by someone you thought you knew or trusted. This person appears to be a trusted confidant or friend. You geniunely believe you can trust this person. Then they deceive you somehow. Again if you look at their circumstances and cannot see a justifiable reason why they lied to you or betrayed your trust, then i would ask myself if having such a person in my life worth the risk of betrayal? Is it someone whom i care for and want to look out for despite the risk that they may again deceive me? is there a way i can be in their lives and not put myself in such risk? Is it worth it? Or should i distance myself from this person and hope that they come around and regain my trust? And if they deceive me in such a way that it harms me greatly, can i forgive them? I think i could, but depending on the situation, it may take time…..if a relationship with someone, be it a friendship, a lover, or a sibling, is meant to last, then i believe that it will heal itself over time. …….thats my long winded take on it :)

Jim September 30, 2010 at 12:22 pm

I will admit that many years ago my wife cheated on me! My family was all up in arms when I took her back. I am not saying that trust is something that instantly reappeared in our relationship but it creeped back in. We now have built a very trusting relationship. Forgiving is important but I think that forgetting is impossible. You have to leave it in the past and move forward from that point.

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